It all started when I found out I was pregnant with Harry (My 4th). I had breastfed before , my daughter Lilly (2nd) was combi fed for 6 weeks I stopped because of agonizing pain, I was gutted and yet relieved. It was later discovered that a part of my placenta had become lodged and that's why I was in so much pain, my body was constantly trying to expel it, on top of my womb contracting while breastfeeding it made a monstrous combination.
So when I found out I was pregnant with Harry I decided to give it another shot, the memories of pain from my last attempt had faded just like the pain of labour does.
Que reading every book , asking every question, watching every video, joining every group I could, all on breastfeeding.
On the 7th of July 2013 (5 days past due date and also on my birthday) Harry decided it was time to meet us at 10:39am weighing 7lb 1oz... As soon as he was born he was put onto my chest, he was perfect ! .. I fell instantly in love.
The midwife told me to let him root and a few minutes later he managed to latch on himself.
The next day we were allowed to go home, breastfeeding was going well he was feeding every 4 hours. I was so please that it was going well, that I could feed my child with milk that I, yes I could make... just for him.
The next day I was .. well .... OUCH !
I was in so much pain, I was chapped, cracked and burning. I thought, 'I need cream or something'. So I called my breastfeeding buddy (an experienced breastfeeding mother who volunteered to help new mothers breastfeed) she told me 'I don't recommend cream at all, it serves no purpose' she told me to continue feeding , it would get easier.
The more I fed him the worse it got until eventually after a few hours I just couldn't do it anymore. I was in too much pain to even latch him on... I cried and fed him formula. I thought it's ok tomorrow I will go and get some cream and give them a few hours to heal a bit and we will try again.
So the next morning bright and early I went to get some cream, it did help a massive amount 'WHY oh why did I not get cream before!' I was kicking myself. By that evening I tried to feed Harry again, it was painful but we did it, yay we were back on track!
Feeding continued for a few days until the 5th day where Harry would no longer settle after a feed, he was feeding constantly and would scream if I even unlatched him for a bathroom break. This of course was making me sore again. He then began to scream while latched, like there was nothing left for him to take. I was aware my milk hadn't come in yet (the longest time this had ever taken for me)
I called my GP (there was no way I was trusting the breastfeeding buddy again) and they said they would send a nurse out to check on everything. 3 hours later Harry had screamed himself to sleep, I felt awful . The nurse arrived, seeing Harry fast asleep, (probably dreaming about a full tummy for once haha) I thought ' now she thinks I'm exaggerating and over reacting because look how peaceful my little boy looks now' (despite this being the first time he had stopped screaming all day). After the nurse left I put Harry down to get a few minutes to stretch my legs. No sooner did I put him down he began to scream. This continued until the next evening. Feeling guilty and upset I gave Harry some formula and he guzzled 4oz and cried for more, we gave him another ounce and he fell fast asleep. He woke up a few hours later, happy and content. This is the first time I'd seen Harry this content since the day he was born.
I accepted that I will have to supplement with formula while I figured something out. I called lactation consultants and spoke to a lot of other breastfeeding mums who all seemed a bit confused too, everyone told me just keep going. I thought, I would if he wasn't constantly screaming with hunger.
Over the next few days I went to the Dr's who gave me Domperidone (An anti-sickness medication with a side-effect of creating breast milk. Used to help mothers boost their supply).
I got a bulk of herbal tea and drank a litre a day.
I made lactation cookies.
I bought a breast pump and used this after Harry fed while he was having formula.
I did a lot of skin to skin.
My milk eventually came in on day 8 but still didn't seem enough for Harry. He still seemed like he wasn't getting anything after 30 seconds.
For the next few weeks we concentrated on boosting my supply as much as we could, we discovered Harry had tongue and lip tie which would make it harder for him to latch properly and the effects were him not getting milk efficiently and getting frustrated. As I well knew a hungry frustrated little boy wasn't a good combination with a low breast milk supply. At times it seemed that we were destined to fail. I upped the amount of herbs I was taking and the Dr allowed me to take the highest dose of Domperidone. Despite it all, my supply didn't change.
After 3 months a different breastfeeding buddy came to see us and was very helpful and kind, she was truly amazing! Why couldn't I have had someone like her in the first place ?
Unfortunately.. it was all a little too late.
On our last night of breastfeeding I broke down in tears, we had been going now for three months. The first 3 months of my baby boy's life I spent, frustrated, guilty, feeling like failure and I realised none of them were good for me or him. Then I thought, If I give up I will regret it , I know I will. I handed Harry to his Daddy for a feed and that was it... Breastfeeding was over.
I felt ... broken, very very broken. After all this was the one thing as a mother I should have been able to do. I wanted to do it, I wanted to give my baby the best, I wanted to feel pride when he grew I knew it was all because of me. I had fought so hard, spent the last 3 months of my life feeding, pumping, drinking herbal tea, feeding, pumping....
I didn't really know what to do to stop this feeling. Nothing I could do now could change it. I was filled with regret 'what if I had just carried on? It might have just worked.. eventually'.
I kept most of these feelings to myself, eventually they began to pass. The main reason for this - I had discovered baby wearing and my baby was a happy chappy once again, He loved to be held close, snuggled into mummy. I loved having him so close too, I felt like this was our special time now. Yes, it had replaced the breastfeeding and over time I felt less guilt and less failure.
I realised, I had formula fed 3 other babies and they were all happy and healthy and I didn't feel like I had failed them at all, it was really odd and still to this day I couldn't tell you why I felt such strong feelings of failure and regret and a tiny part of me does still wish I had still soldiered on... but Harry is now a happy, healthy 1 and a half year old and I love him to pieces and he loves me in return.....In the end, That's all that matters ! xx
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